Doctrine & Covenants 121:7-9
Back in my later teenage years, about 2009 to 2011, while I was in the process of completing high school, I began greatly anticipating, and preparing for, serving as a full-time missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Looking forward so much to it, I prepared in as many ways as I could think of, including studying the scriptures, attending a weekly mission-prep. course, and striving to live according to God's commandments. I also did everything within my power to eliminate epilepsy from my life by being willing to have brain surgery and attempting to get fully off of medication, as this would surely disqualify me from missionary service.
And eventually the day came in October 2011 when, after finishing the application process, the letter came in the mail with my mission call from Church Headquarters. After opening it up, finding out I was called of God to serve for two years in New York speaking english, my excitement grew even more and I began further preparing for what I considered to be the greatest thing I could do in my life at that point. After completing the final preparations, I traveled to the Missionary Training Center (MTC) on December 28th and walked on in with absolutely no yearning to turn back. What I anticipated for many years had finally begun in true reality.
After a little less than three weeks of going through the training classes with the wonderful district of missionaries I was with, our time at the MTC was almost completed. Tuesday January 17, 2012, the day that we would all get on an airplane to fly to our assigned missions, obtained the name of Tomorrow. That Monday morning, while studying scriptures in the classroom with my district, the intercom came on and asked "could Elder Parker Holzer come to the front office with his companion". With cheerful attitudes, my companion Elder Smith and I proceeded to the office with no knowledge of why they called me there. As we arrived, they asked me to come alone into one of the MTC District Presidents' offices, which I did.
As I sat down with the District President, he looked me in the eye and proceeded to tell me that they had learned of my prior epilepsy, and that I was being sent home from my mission. At the very instant that those words entered my ears, all my excitement vanished. My greatest fear had just taken place, and years worth of anticipation and preparation were about to be put to waste. To say that a mountain of disappointment consumed my soul is an understatement. And while I attempted to be persistent with him and try and get an exception, nothing worked and my greatest dream was shattered.
When I explained the situation to Elder Smith and soon afterwards to the other eight missionaries in our district, for the only time in life that I now recall, I cried countless tears of disappointment and sadness. All seemed lost. On a scale from 0 to 20, my faith in the divinity of my call and in the truthfulness of modern prophets and apostles disintegrated from 19 to 1. As time went by, and the thought of what had just happened stirred countless thoughts in my mind, my faith in prayer, the priesthood, miracles, and the love of God also died down to 1. Nearly everything that I had so firmly trusted to be true seemed to be contradicted by evidence that I held in my hands from earlier that day. If one were to read the journal entries I wrote down on the days following this occurrence, they would see how strong and piercing this trial of faith was for me.
Later that afternoon, as my district and I sat down to further study the scriptures, I just could not clear the fear and disappointment of only a few hours earlier from my mind. I felt absolutely hopeless. But then, our district leader Elder Elliot, whom I happened to be sitting next
to quietly leaned over to me. He showed me a scripture in the Doctrine & Covenants and suggested that I read it. As I did so, God spoke directly to me:
Upon reading this, I felt peace of heart for the first time in many hours. I felt a reassurance that things will work out well eventually, and that I need not dwell upon the multitude of disappointments and doubts. In addition, I felt an urgent heavenly pull to put a halt on the disintegration of my faith. While I only had a small particle of faith left, God made it clear that I needed to keep it from decreasing further. Although it was extremely difficult, I concluded to do so.
The next day, as I watched my missionary friends in my district ride away to the airport to fly to their assigned missions, it was very hard to hold to my particle of faith and trust that God had a plan for me. But as I did so, the thought of how this might be remembered as the event of my life in which my devotion to the gospel was solidified gave me comfort. And now I look back at this event as a very pivotal time in my history when a scripture from God paved the way for never turning back from the restored gospel.
And eventually the day came in October 2011 when, after finishing the application process, the letter came in the mail with my mission call from Church Headquarters. After opening it up, finding out I was called of God to serve for two years in New York speaking english, my excitement grew even more and I began further preparing for what I considered to be the greatest thing I could do in my life at that point. After completing the final preparations, I traveled to the Missionary Training Center (MTC) on December 28th and walked on in with absolutely no yearning to turn back. What I anticipated for many years had finally begun in true reality.
After a little less than three weeks of going through the training classes with the wonderful district of missionaries I was with, our time at the MTC was almost completed. Tuesday January 17, 2012, the day that we would all get on an airplane to fly to our assigned missions, obtained the name of Tomorrow. That Monday morning, while studying scriptures in the classroom with my district, the intercom came on and asked "could Elder Parker Holzer come to the front office with his companion". With cheerful attitudes, my companion Elder Smith and I proceeded to the office with no knowledge of why they called me there. As we arrived, they asked me to come alone into one of the MTC District Presidents' offices, which I did.
As I sat down with the District President, he looked me in the eye and proceeded to tell me that they had learned of my prior epilepsy, and that I was being sent home from my mission. At the very instant that those words entered my ears, all my excitement vanished. My greatest fear had just taken place, and years worth of anticipation and preparation were about to be put to waste. To say that a mountain of disappointment consumed my soul is an understatement. And while I attempted to be persistent with him and try and get an exception, nothing worked and my greatest dream was shattered.
When I explained the situation to Elder Smith and soon afterwards to the other eight missionaries in our district, for the only time in life that I now recall, I cried countless tears of disappointment and sadness. All seemed lost. On a scale from 0 to 20, my faith in the divinity of my call and in the truthfulness of modern prophets and apostles disintegrated from 19 to 1. As time went by, and the thought of what had just happened stirred countless thoughts in my mind, my faith in prayer, the priesthood, miracles, and the love of God also died down to 1. Nearly everything that I had so firmly trusted to be true seemed to be contradicted by evidence that I held in my hands from earlier that day. If one were to read the journal entries I wrote down on the days following this occurrence, they would see how strong and piercing this trial of faith was for me.
Later that afternoon, as my district and I sat down to further study the scriptures, I just could not clear the fear and disappointment of only a few hours earlier from my mind. I felt absolutely hopeless. But then, our district leader Elder Elliot, whom I happened to be sitting next
to quietly leaned over to me. He showed me a scripture in the Doctrine & Covenants and suggested that I read it. As I did so, God spoke directly to me:
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands." ~ D&C 121:7-9
Upon reading this, I felt peace of heart for the first time in many hours. I felt a reassurance that things will work out well eventually, and that I need not dwell upon the multitude of disappointments and doubts. In addition, I felt an urgent heavenly pull to put a halt on the disintegration of my faith. While I only had a small particle of faith left, God made it clear that I needed to keep it from decreasing further. Although it was extremely difficult, I concluded to do so.
The next day, as I watched my missionary friends in my district ride away to the airport to fly to their assigned missions, it was very hard to hold to my particle of faith and trust that God had a plan for me. But as I did so, the thought of how this might be remembered as the event of my life in which my devotion to the gospel was solidified gave me comfort. And now I look back at this event as a very pivotal time in my history when a scripture from God paved the way for never turning back from the restored gospel.
You are not the only one who has a hard time reflecting on this event in your life, but oh how grateful I am that you had inspired missionaries around you at that critical time to bring you back to God, AND that you were wise enough and humble enough to allow it.
ReplyDeleteI am very grateful for those missionaries in my district as well. Who knows what would have happened had they not been there to uplift me.
DeleteDear Parker, you are a good and faithful soul and a blessing in our lives:)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! :)
Delete